


Can't anymore

by kanikketenkeklart



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-16 07:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18089642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanikketenkeklart/pseuds/kanikketenkeklart
Summary: so yeah.. idk. this is my first story, and it kinda reflects me.im not that good at writing so, sorry.let me know if it was terrible. thx





	1. Chapter 1

I've been sitting in my bedroom, on my bed, for almost 3 months now. Every day a debate if it's even worth for me to continue, or if I should just end it all. I've trying numerous times, but somehow, someway every time it fails, and I have to live through another day.  
Today I woke up, committed to end it all. My dad doesn't give any interest in my life anyways. Nobody thinks about me, nobody even remembers me.  
As I walk into the kitchen I could feel it in the air, he wasn't here, maybe he was gone for good. That doesn't' matter anyways. I will be gone, hopefully. This time I'm not going to fail, and my father isn't here to stop me. All he would say anyway was I was just a spoiled unappreciative kid, and then throw something after me, or even beat me. I still have the scars on my back from when mom left.  
He felt that it was my fault that she left, my fault that nobody loves him. He still feels that way. 

I promised mom that I would go back to school the 5th October. Tomorrow. Nobody will notice that I've been gone, and nobody will notice that I'm back. I'm just one more stool filled in the classroom.  
I grabbed a knife from the drawer that felt like it could collapse at any time. Ironic. I was a drawer full of knifes. Walked back to my room, put on Broken Glass, watched the vinyl go around, sat my pathetic, skinny, useless body in the corner as usual. Put the rusty, and probably dirty knife to my already way to bruised wrist, pressed as hard as I cold, before hearing the front door getting kicked in. And a shout from downstairs. I caught myself hoping it was burglars. Anyone but "dad".  
I could hear the footsteps coming closer and closer. *RUN* my mind said to me, but where, where would I go. I couldn't go anywhere, even though I wanted to be anywhere but here, in my dark room filled with dark pictures, my little music station, with my vinyl collection and my sad ukulele, my suicidal cave.  
I froze, I couldn't go. It was too late. He opened the door, looked at me sitting pathetically in the corner. "You look hungry, why don't you ride down to target and buy some snacks for us?" he said in pity almost.  
I'm sorry. What. Just. Happened. 

The blue light, the horrible music, the sun hiding away behind the trees in the car park, the bleak spring air behind me as I walk into the heat. Even the cashier looks like he has given up. It all just makes sense. I walk over to the candy isle. All the bright packets of the candy stares at me all deplorably, I just look back at them. I'm just standing here. Until this boy came up and stands right beside me. I feel a rush going through my body. My body by itself turns and looks at him and just froze stiff. We starred at each other. I didn't know what to do, so I just ran.  
He, he was perfect. Why did I run. I couldn't say anything. I can't think about anything else but him, what Is wrong with me. I only saw him for like 2 minutes. I don't even know his name, but he is perfect. He was a reason to live, I need to find him.


	2. Just a litte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont really know, you can probaly see how my mood changed when writing these two.  
> still bad, but kinda enjoying writing   
> so sorry and thx

I promised mom to back, but that was 8 days ago now. I can't stop thinking about him, if he's there. I can't look him in the eyes, not after I just stared at him and ran away like the coward I am.  
I've never felt this way before, it's like someone else owns my heart. I don't know if I like it, I think I do. 

So yeah, today I'm going back to school. I mean what's the worst that can happen, nobody noticed I was gone, nobody remembers me, I see him. No that's not horrible at all. No…..  
I woke up today, ready to kill myself, but as sad as it sounds, I'm used to that now. The urge to just let go and give up I a normal day for me. But how am I gonna get to know HIM, how are we gonna fall in love…. What have I turned into. Who am I. I don't recognize myself. 

I arrived at the school, with the utmost feeling to just turn around and run back to my corner in my dark room. Where I feel comfortable. Where I can be myself, the ugly, annoying, frustrating coward I am.   
As I am walking through the halls, I feel the eyes starring me down, judging me. I walk down the hall, trying to remember where the fuck chemistry is, so I can get through the day, and get back to my corner with my ukulele to play my suicidal notes. Somehow, with the help of God, or more likely the devil, I find the correct classroom, after going into 3 different classrooms, being eyeballed by each and everyone in the classes.   
The class itself went pretty quick, I sat next to some girl who kept tapping her pencil against the table. It was almost to the point, where I threw the pencil and the girl across the room, but I told myself from home that I wouldn't do anything that would attract attention. So I just put my headphones in and zoned out. 

It is the breaks I am afraid of, where people meet up with their "gangs" and hang out, but I don't have a gang. I have no idea where I'll go or what I'll do. I thought to myself that there must be janitors closet somewhere where I could sit and be myself, without feeling all the eyes. And just get some time for myself. I really don't wanna be here. 

The day actually went okay, here I am, walking home, not bursting to jump in front of a truck. I didn't see him at the school, luckily I think. I'm almost feeling a bit happy ? I don't know. I want cheese sticks. I'm going to celebrate my "success" with cheese sticks. Who am I.

The lights at the shop wasn't as bright, the sun was up, the music was almost cheerful. I looked at the cashier, even he looked "alive" as alive as you can be, when working at a 24/7 store for the must part of you thirties'. My heart is beating faster and faster as I get closer to the isle, where He was. Where the "magic" happened. As I turn down the isle, I see a guy standing with his back towards me. My body almost collapsed *Is It really him* I could feel my legs started to run towards him, without thinking about, I just ran past him and looked back as I ran past him, and straight into a freezer.   
I opened my eyes to the BEAUTIFUL sight of HIM, it was in the stars that he would be here.  
"Hey, uhmm you okay" he said. My tongue feels like cotton, I can't say anything. " haha, I guess not" he continued as he grabbed my hand and said " let me help you up" "To be honest, I was kinda hoping you would be here" he said. I mean what the fuck, could this day get any better "heh, you.. you were ?" I asked   
"Yeah, to be honest I thought that you were kinda cute" he said, "were ? " I said waaay to quickly. "Are, i mean, so yeah, i've gone back here at this time every day for the last eight days, hoping you would be here. But you weren't. I almost didn't go today. I didn't want to embarrass myself again.  
*Okay, i guess this day could get better.* " So my name is Tyler, what's yours" I asked weirdly confidently. I feel like an angel right now, i just want to remember this moment forever. " My name's Josh, Josh Dun." He answered. OMG, even his name is perfect, i'm done, how can i be so lucky.  
" So yeah you wanna do something someday." he asked. " YES" I answered aggressively, regretting it immediately.


	3. Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, this one is very short, but i don't want to push myself. If i don't have anymore to write, I wont write

So maybe life can be good, I don't know. I mean, I'm walking here with a beautiful guys number having a "date" on Friday, I got my… wait okay I forgot the cheese sticks. But I'm not gonna let anything destroy my day.

As I'm walking up to my house, I realize my dad's home. My heart sank so low I felt It in my toes for a second. Why would he be home now, is something wrong, have I done something wrong.   
My mood is changed. I feel scared. Can I just run away? I have to see if he's okay, if he's dying I can't just run away. Then again, if he's dying that might not be the worst. It may even give me peace, I could find my mom. Maybe even have a good life, or even just a life.

My heart was raising like insane when I was approaching the door. It was like I could smell that there was something wrong, it smelt like.. like a moldy cheese. It was horrible, yet still somehow some people liked it.   
I walked through the door, slowly through to the living room, where I would find my dad lying on the coach with his usual bottle of gin or what even alcohol he could find in the house. He wasn't passed out, he was lying and crying ? " Dad ?" I asked carefully, I knew when he's in this mood I have to be very careful what I say or do. He just answered with a moan, like from a bear. Followed be him sitting up and calling me over with his finger. I was so scared, I didn't want to, so I just stood there, hoping he would forget or just lay down again. But no. He started mumbling and started to yell. I couldn't understand anything, but I was frozen, I couldn't move, I just stood there looking. I wasn't a new sight of him, but somehow it still surprised me.   
He dropped his bottle and started charging towards me. I was still frozen, and took the 150 pounds, that jumped into me like a footballer. As I fell to the ground I heard the same words that I heard when mom left. " It's all your fault, you are the reason for everything bad, can't you just die already" followed by the reason why he was like this today. "I got fired because of you, I can't stop drinking because of you, my liver's giving out because of you."   
How could all of this be my fault, was it really because of me, I guess it makes sense, I deserve this.  
I deserve this, I deserve this. I've had to much joy already. I deserve this, was the only words I could hear, as I was on the floor, in a pool of blood, with my father standing over me yelling "You're the reason I can't be happy" whilst stumping and hitting me. I could feel my bones crunching, first my arm, as he stepped on it, then my ribs crackling as he kicked me.   
I deserve this. My body just gave in, it didn't want to do anything. I deserve this.


End file.
